this weeks uptade

I have received many comments about how it is such a good thing that I can openly talk about my fight with the insomnia/anxiety and depression.  One of the leaders from our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, said this concerning any mental illness or emotional disorders:

"We sense the complexity of such matters when we hear professionals speak of neuroses and psychoses, of genetic predispositions and chromosome defects, of bipolarity, paranoia, and schizophrenia. However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."
Jeffery R. Holland

I guess I just really believe that!  I REALLY want anyone enduring those kinds of conditions to believe that. And I really want to get better! 

I feel happy with where I am at right now, usually I am SO eager to be functioning at my optimum level, but right now I ACTUALLY feel patient!!!  (maybe for the first time in my life where my physical and emotional health is concerned.) I was so inspired by my cousins insights into trying to find some SPIRITUAL healing to help the PHYSICAL healing along, and by the relationship she had developed with Heavenly Father and his plan for HER and her set of talents and challenges. I am feeling like I will PATIENTLY and DILIGENTLY try to let truth clarify some of my misperceptions, or unrealistic expectations for myself.   Instead of trying to get things "back to normal" I am open to slowly trying to come into an even better "normal." The one the Lord knew was possible for me at this stage of my development.  This to me is my biggest success and I'm grateful for the Lord, all the help he is sending through friends and family and the medication that are collectively holding me afloat while I work through this all!

Depression Rubric

In the beginning of March I ended up not sleeping for a long period of time (about 60 hours) after Kurt had a fluke skiing accident that kept us up most of one night.  I think that I was so panicked to have to go through a long bout of insomnia again (it happened 2 1/2 years ago) that anxiety kicked in.  I was not very familiar with anxiety and tried to get it under control with lots of hot baths, exercise, relaxing music, essential oils etc.  But after a week or two of that plus the insomnia (and anything else that might have been going on in my body??) I landed into some clinical depression :(. Those were some pretty rough days there at the beginning and I have never experienced anything quite like it, but I had Kurt and the kids supporting me, relief society sisters helping me around the clock, a visit from our Bishop, priesthood blessings, medication, therapy, temple prayers and prayers from everyone whom I talked too about it! My sister got in her car with four of her children and drove 24 hours in a day and a half and stayed with me for 9 days and took care of my family and home (and her children) better then I can on a good day!!  Then more help from local friends, and then a friend from Delaware came to keep me company for a weekend and then my mom came over spring break!  A cousin came with her family to join us for Easter Sunday and she shared some great insights into how I can fight this battle as well.  I am learning so much and I still have much more to learn. 

I think that the medication is helping and I don't seem to have any major side effects so for now I will keep going with that.  I have enjoyed speaking with a therapist.  I appreciate my doctors insights.  I think it has been really helpful to have many people help me so Kurt hasn't felt TOO over burdened.  It has been helpful to have many people around to distract me as much of this has been a waiting game, and a don't let my thoughts or worries run away with me game!  I've been surrounded by people who have exuded much faith and hope and I've needed to lean on them for some of that of that while I was working through some dark feelings where there was not any hope.  And maybe one of the best ideas I would like to share was inspired by my mom.  I wanted to make sure I didn't overwhelm Kurt with so much processing of how I feeling every day since it has been really up and down and all over the place, but I still wanted to be able to communicate with him and let him continue to be my number one support, so my mom told me to make a ruberic and then rate my morning, afternoon and evening, so that every day when Kurt gets home from work he can look at my day and have an idea of what kind of a days it's been and what my needs might be with out us having to talk it all through!!! Genius!  So below is the ruberic I came up with although I'm realizing I needed a 3.5 category.  But I'll also copy down how I've been rating my days just for anyone who wanted to see where I'm at.  I'm hoping to see a lot of 5's in my future!! 

NY Botanical Gardens

Kurt had Friday Afternoon off so we decided to check out the Botanical Gardens...Stunning!

He is the photographer in the family and not in many of the photo's but he is getting pretty good, he adds so much to our family where I lack!...and I'm SO grateful!!

And I guess I should mention it is an iphone he's using so how good can you really get??

This years camp out

Lake Taghkanic

Lots of Rain...and therefore a need for creativity and positive attitudes. Good friends, no dad or Van, moon watching, love story telling, birthday partying, poor sleeping, good eating, water fun, BEAUTIFUL surroundings!

Breakfast--Homemade cinnamon rolls, fruit, sausage and eggs, juice
Lunch--Gourmet Deli sandwiches
Dinner--Best dutch oven chicken and potatoes
Dessert--Birthday Peach Cobbler (could have used a few more coals)

The leaf the girls brought back to prove we'd rowed all the way across the lake!

 

kiddie pool

Cape Cod

The ferry ride out to Martha's Vineyard

The surprisingly GORGEOUS Atlantic White Cedar Swamp

Why wouldn't Michael stick his little boy up in a tree??

Flying kites on Marconi beach that both got blown away with in 20 minutes...at least one was miraculously recovered. 

The men's golfing trip

--word has it that they could both use a little more practice.

The servers were all begging to take us on!

and...we heard it was really cool to get all matching Cape Cod sweatshirts!

What we don't have documented here are....

-- the 5 or so rounds we played of miniature golf--the competition getting a little fierce among adults.

--the mulitple food experiments with the newly purchased Blendtec

--The hot dog roast

--the many trips to the indoor pool

--Kurt and I putting the tennis court in its place--or was it the other way around??

--Marci's 'office' themed birthday party

--Kurt and I seeing the Hunger games, then buying the book and starting to read it the very next day

--Our trip to the glass museum

--Our short lived saunter into Provincetown

--and the fact that it RAINED like crazy that week!! Almost all of our actitities were done in a drizzle or in the sparse hours here and there...but that didn't get us down!

--The SHEER delight in the childrens eyes at being together virtualy every minute of each day, running back and forth between the condo's and marveling that they had a giant bed, a desk and personal bathroom in their own room!

This was a super fun and relaxing vacation.  How many parents with kids ages 6 and under get to say that?  I think we are figuring some things out!

little things

painted a room

changed this one a bit

Cleaned up many toilet paper messes, in and out of the toilet before Van decided to start obeying 

Made Kurt an awesome b-day cake

My favorte Valentines from my neices.

Below demonstrates a little healthy competition that goes on sometimes between Kurt and my younger brother Scott.  My sister-in-law Anna and I share the same birthday.  Kurt was showing off the cake he had made me.....so a few hours (and a very messy kitchen) later my brother sent us a picture of the cake he made for Anna.

Kurt made this for our ward...I thought it was amazing, he has such attention for detail.  It is a box/book.

This years Easter Eggs...at least the best of the 60 or so we dyed

Trying out the new recipe and cookies cutters my Sister in Law sent us--wow YUM.  Owen asks me to make them now all the time.

lucy wanted her cookie to be just as beautiful!

The Artisan bread Kurt is working to perfect

Experimenting with a lot of new recipes

And using the old blender to make paper--also Kurts project....How is it that such a creative guy ended up in with a degree in business???

Cleaning up after this little guys many messes!

Wishing I would buy more bibs that are not pink...it just works and fits the best and is most comfortable bib we've got...but the curls, the eyes, the long lashes...probably need to get rid of the pink!

A little planting

--took me hours to dig out all the rocks the boys had thrown in the pots and ground through the winter!

Kurt's Chili Cook off at work

And as always....more fun with our COUSINS!!

Silly fun

Preparing lessons for Owen's preschool group

Modeling one of the many things kurt has bought for me this year.  I am determined to never shop again...he is doing that well!

TRYING and failing miserably to keep these two dry...they LOVE water!

Getting the oil changed in the car--very interesting!!

Making use of the wild flowers dispersed in the yard

Caring for Van with a nasty case of the Hand, Foot, Mouth Virus

So Cute

 End of the Year Class party