Most of the scoop! Only read if you dare

I usually keep things fairly light on this blog and not too personal. At least not often. But after thinking it over I am going to share a few of my experiences over the past 2 1/2 weeks. Read at your own risk! If anything I hope it is uplifting. I often feel inspired from other's stories that have a similar feel to them.

I wrote a fairly long journal account, but I'm only including a few paragraphs.

Labor and Delivery: Starting from me going into transition and freaking out (I delivered natural). This part was kind of funny to me...at least in retrospect.

.....That’s when the fun started. I couldn’t think clearly and Kurt was asking me how he can help and I’m giving incoherent answers. I was really close to throwing up but then a contraction passed and I could keep it in. At this point I felt almost loopy like I would just pass out from the intensity of the pain and mumbling “I can’t do this.” I tried to just breathe through, thinking of moving down but I wasn’t strong enough to overpower the urge to just curl up with the pain. After a few more “I cant’s” from me and Kurt said “You have got to come up with a different saying.” I looked right at him and said “Ok. I am going to die!” He just started laughing and I squatted down into probably my worst contraction then I got up with that strong sensation to push. Kurt and I were alone in the room at this point and I pretty much started yelling for a doctor. (it is kind of embarrassing/hilarious to picture myself doing all this) “I’m pushing! I NEED a doctor in here!” They came right in and starting getting things ready but they asked me not to push till they got a few more things ready to which I responded. “I will push…I have to push, how can I not push?” Things were moving quickly and then I just felt that intense burning and pressure from the baby in the canal. It seemed worse then it had with Lucy or Owen and I was totally out of sorts. The next thing I know I am calling out “Pray for a Miracle!” “This baby has to come out on the next push!” Kurt was kind of chuckling and the doctors asked him “what did she say?” then I remember Kurt telling me something like “ok, but if he doesn’t come on the next push we’ll still just work through this…” blah blah blah I’m sure I stopped listening at that point. I thank everyone in that room for kindly obeying my plea and sure enough little Van came through on push number 2. And it’s ridiculous but I don’t know how I would have made it through any more. It is always such an incredible feeling when that baby slips the rest of the way out!! Just knowing you are finished is completely amazing. Then hearing your baby cry and having him in your arms brings another amazing emotion into play.

On a more serious note...

Just after I finished labor with Van I felt the immediate relief, but the very next thing that came to my mind was that I never wanted to feel that much pain again—ever. It almost makes me scared of my mortality, because in the end I really don’t have that much control over my body. There are a lot of things that could happen to me that would cause me just as much or more pain then labor. I next thought of Lucy and thought, I never want her to have to feel that much pain. Then I started thinking I was not exercising much faith or trust by thinking this way. But the thoughts came nonetheless and I decided I would try to work through those feelings later.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that he loves Lucy and he is willing to let us suffer these kinds of pains. I know he allows much worse suffering and I want to accept His will—it is based on Omniscience. I know through the atonement even the worst of physical and emotional suffering can be turned to peace and joy.

Over the next few days I kept revisiting my whole experience with the labor and delivery and each time I was more amazed with the experience, more appreciative and more at peace with the amount of pain that I (and most women have) suffered. In the moment it is truly horrific and you don’t know how you will make it through, but it does have an end and you do make it through, and going through that process is truly amazing and a miracle. When I look at my children and realize that is the only way I can get them here then already I can say that I will do it again. I’ll just try to keep on the path of faith and not fear as pregnancy and labor approach again. They are both miserable and wonderful!

Another more serious note...

I don’t know how to explain this part…but I’ll try. After my babies are born I do feel closer to the spirit. I remember when Owen was born after all the troubles I’d had with his pregnancy…I had a sweet confirmation that I had handled these struggles well enough (even though I didn't really feel that way at the time) and I had grown spiritually. All those troubles were not had in vain. I felt that incredible feeling that accompanies spiritual growth and the increased perspective that this is what we are really here on earth for (at least a big part of it).

Since Van was born I have had the distinct feeling that I have grown and matured in my motherhood. This is a natural process over the years as a mother lives by the light of truth as she tries to love and care for her children. I feel it! My love for my children seems more selfless, more pure. I see the things that are truly important with more clarity. I want to emphasize that I have much growth and more clarification ahead of me (and I've done plenty of fumbling along the way) but progress is being made and the joy I feel in motherhood is ever increasing. What could be better? I really look forward to how I will feel about my family through out the ages. I am so glad we are sealed to be together always. I really want to live worthy of that blessing!